Into Gold

adventures, misadventures, joys, frustrations, spectacles, testicles, wallet, and watch
Snacks. April 2013

Snacks. April 2013

The Fear of Commitment

Having trouble choosing a smartphone, because once I have one I will be a part of a group. Assumptions could be made about me.

I have difficulty “moving up” in a business or in my career because I just can’t decide how deep I want to be involved in any one thing. I don’t know if I want a job or business to be associated strongly with my identity. If I were to be highly involved, assumptions could be made about my character. 

Choosing to stay in Pittsburgh a whole year was and still is horrifying. I have habits, and assumptions can and have been made. The inclination to flee is always scratching at my back. 

Men. I keep it light in my romantic relationships. I haven’t taken a man seriously in my life. Or, rather, I’ve never commited to take a man seriously. The desire may have existed, but the follow-through has not existed. I don’t want to be pegged. I do not want my identity to be associated with another person. I don’t want to be seen as a “girlfriend.” I don’t want there to be rules to what I can and can not do. Consideration of another person when it comes to my life choices IS A BIG THING. *FOR MYSELF, I view commited relationships as a taming, as a breaking. If I were to be coupled, assumptions would be made. I’d be safer, more predictable. I’d be doing what young women are supposed to do. 

At 28, this contrariness is becoming a very very serious issue. One foot out the door, always. 

*I don’t necessarily feel this way about everyone. 

I wore my aunt-who-died-last-year’s dress to my aunt who-died-this-year’s funeral.


Jerome Sessini  

Attn: Kelly Lanzendorfer


Jerome Sessini  

Attn: Kelly Lanzendorfer


Late Thursday afternoon, a field of sunflowers in the village of Torez in eastern Ukraine was transformed into a scene of a tragedy when Malaysia Airlines flight 17 was brought down by a surface-to-air missile. Jerome Sessini, a French photographer with the agency Magnum Photos, was one of  the first people to arrive at the scene. A veteran war photographer who has worked in conflict sites like Iraq and Somalia, Sessini says he wasn’t prepared for the weight of what he saw.

Sessini, who had been working in a nearby mining village in Donetsk, first heard about the crash when his driver received a call from a local journalist, who explained that a plane that had been downed in nearby Torez, apparently by pro-Russian rebels. Initially assuming it was a Ukrainian military plane—the pro-Russian rebels had already destroyed a military transport plane and reportedly brought down two other military aircraft—Sessini and his driver headed out. “As we made our way to Torez, we learned that it was in fact a civilian plane,” the photographer told TIME. It didn’t take the pair long to reach the scene and they had no trouble accessing the crash site, as there were very few people in the area at the time.  Yet the rebels soon arrived, and they initially gave Sessini trouble, taking his memory card away. Eventually returned it and allowed Sessini to take photographs.

“[What I saw] was horrific, almost unreal,” he says. In addition to the charred wreckage and debris of the destroyed Boeing 777 plane, there were bodies strewn across the fields. Some were still attached to their seats. “I was in shock. I don’t think I ever felt so sick.”

More than a hundred bodies have been found so far, with some located as far as 6.2 miles (10 km) away from the crash site. “I found one body that went through the roof of a house and landed in someone’s bedroom,” says Sessini. “It’s a real nightmare.”

Sessini noted that while some of the bodies were virtually intact, others had broken apart in the explosion and crash. But for the seasoned photographer, one of the hardest sights to take in wasn’t the dead themselves, but the mementos from their lives, strewn across the ground. “One of the saddest part was to see all of their luggage in the grass,” he says. “All these Duty Free bags, the swimsuits, the children’s books.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to board a plane without thinking about these images,” Sessini says.

‘Unreal’ Scenes from Photographer Jerome Sessini (via LightBox)

These photos are so horrifying, but they are important to see. Nearly 300 people dead, their lives senselessly taken away in an instant. Kudos to Time for their willingness to run them, as hard as they may be to look at.

(Source: vinebox, via bleudesevres)

Incredibly Satisfying

Buying local butter, raw milk, and sour dough. Planning to go to the “really good” butcher and the farmer’s market tomorrow. Going to the backyard and picking some eggplant, saying hello to the cayennes and tomatoes, and picking some basil. Cooking up some of Emma’s family’s eggs. Making a tomato salad with Who Cooks for You heirlooms and some garlic scapes and my own roasted eggplant. Sipping down some water. 

Eat well, kids. 

I’m a woman that is 28 years old, single, not defined by career, white, has no children, not a lot of money, and is overweight. The most shocking thing? I LIKE MYSELF. 

I’m coming to realize that that alone is revolutionary.